Who is Worse Off? Men or Women?

Has society become too feminized and favoring women too much? Are men big losers?

The rise of people like Andrew Tate and even more reasonable people like Jordan Peterson is built on the narrative that men have become losers and society has become centered around the values and needs of women. We are told that masculinity no longer has any value and only feminine values get attention.

How true is all of this? Norwegian psychology student Adam Njå wrote an article in on the pages of Norwegian Broadcasting (NRK) called Men in Lady Land.

I actually agree with a lot of what he writes. Men often end up as losers in today's society. Schools reward behavior which is more typical of women, such as sitting still and paying attention. Boys are naturally far more physical and with a strong need to move around and act out. That gets them in trouble. Men are more likely to drink, engage in risky sports and kill themselves through reckless behavior.

So, what is my issue with this narrative? My issue is with what is left out. It gives the impression that men are the ones always losing, women are always winning and women have all the advantages in today's society. The reality is that both genders are winning and loosing in different arenas. Both genders need help to counter discrimination they face in different arenas.

When in school, more meek and compliant behavior is rewarded, but the complete opposite is the case when entering the job market. Hence, we end up with the irony that despite women generally doing better in school, they end up getting outcompeted by men in the job market. But why are women outcompeted?

Because the traits that get men in trouble in school benefit them in the workplace. The naturally competitive and more aggressive instincts of men make them better at grabbing top positions. At job interviews, men are more likely to be confident and brag about their skills and talents. Women are far more inclined to downplay their skills. Once at work, men will also dominate at the workplace. They will seize the word in meetings, and be charge ahead on initiatives even when they lack the skill to do it. I like reading a lot of history of various pioneers and explorers. What is fascinating is how often major undertakings are performed by people entirely unsuited for the endeavor. Frequently there were more talented people available to carry out whatever was needed, but all too often an overconfident idiot grabbed all the attention and was allowed to forge ahead.

Women may get trained to be more confident and assertive, but that doesn't remove the prejudice they face. You can look up countless situations where there is a situation onboard an airplane where a doctor is needed. Frequently when a female doctor volunteers to help, she is dismissed with "Sorry mam, but we need a doctor" or "We need a doctor not a nurse." In my own field of software development, many women can attest to the same. Coworkers will assume they are from HR or doing design rather than being into technical details.

And there is a big difference in your treatment in the public sphere and in popular opinion. In a regular political debate, you will find young opinionated women will be respected by most fellow politicians or newspaper pundits. Or rather, they will in Norway. But once you open the comment fields of social media, you will see quite a different reality. Women sticking their head out will be met with a lot of hostility and shockingly bad remarks.

It almost seems like being young and pretty is a downside. I remember a young pretty politician in Norway for the Green party named Lan Marie Berg. She was always a very smiling, friendly and optimistic person. I disagreed with a lot of her policies but never viewed them as being driven by malice. She seemed like a nice, idealistic person to me. Regardless, she received so many messages of the type "Kick out and beat up this f*cking rice cooker." It should be mentioned she was half-Vietnamese, hence the racist remarks. She was hardly the first female politician to receive hate messages. Generally, discourse is quite civilized in Norway. You can see people upset and complain about male politicians, but not direct threats or wishes for violence or rape to happen to them.

Recently, there was reports about some women in the Norwegian military. We have conscription for both genders in Norway, as many women serve. I thought it had generally worked well, so I was shocked by how bad it was in terms of sexual harassment and the lack of action from those higher up. It shows how women face serious challenges in many arenas in society still. Keep in mind that Norway is among the most gender equal societies in the world. Yet, we still have far to go.

In Norway, studies show that 35% of women in the age 18 to 29 have been forced or threatened to have sex.

In the professional world, professions typically pursued by women are paid much less than professions men typically pursue. Of course, there are times when this difference is natural. However, it is rather typical that in countries where high status professions such as medical doctors have a high percentage of women, the salaries tend to be lower. In Eastern Europe, nearly half of the doctors are women and there has also been widespread complaints about low doctor salaries: Doctors in eastern Europe prepare to walk out over pay.

I could go on, but the point is that there are still a wide number of areas where women are still worse off than men. Female doctors, e.g., earn much less than male doctors. Thus, instead of trying to declare one of the genders as the primary victim, I think it is better to acknowledge that each gender faces different challenges and discrimination in different contexts.

And also let us not pretend that the story of gender equality has been a march of female progress while men have constantly lost something. Here in Norway many men, such as myself, have benefitted from gender equality. We have gotten to take part in parental leave and spend a lot more time with our children than our fathers or grandfathers did the first year of our children's life. Men have more frequently gotten custody of children than what would have been the case in the past. I, personally, have friends who have gone through divorce where the husband got custody of their kids.

Bosses in Norway today are far more sympathetic towards men who have to leave work early to pickup children at pre-school, make dinner or do other child related activities. Men feel less stigma about being active in child caring such as pushing kids around in a stroller, changing diapers and similar. Having to live up to a really macho ideal has not necessarily been a positive to all men.

And tolerance of macho behavior isn't necessarily worse. I grew up in the 1980s when American children's entertainment was first let in to Norway. Before that, the Norwegian state broadcaster had a monopoly on what TV programs children saw. Scandinavian entertainment and toys were very focused on non-violence. Many don't know that the Lego Mini figure was made as a reaction to the influx of American action figures. Scandinavians wanted toys not focused on conflict and war to counter the American focus on world which guns and conflict.

I would claim this attitude has changed profoundly today. Conflict oriented play, especially with toy guns, is far more tolerated. My youngest son has countless Nerf guns, for instance, and likes to go outside shooting on his friends. When I was a child, we didn't really play shooting games outside. We certainly did have things that looked like old pirate muskets or cowboy revolvers. However, guns looking like modern assault rifles were not played with.

Furthermore, joining things such as martial arts training was still somewhat controversial in the 1980s in Norway, while it isn't today.

Many of the really dangers jobs men used to do are significantly safer today. Fewer people are miners and fishermen, and those professions have gotten significantly safer. 100 people died building the Hoover Dam, for instance.

In polite company, men do, of course, get a lot of criticism. We get blame for everything. Yet, when you are in more private spheres such a social media, or particular arenas such as the military, parties or wherever people can voice opinions more anonymous you will find a tremendous amount of toxic comments directed towards women.

Why am I mentioning any of this? Where am I going with this? What point am I trying to make? I do want the needs of men to be taken more serious. At the same time, I don't think we should declare that gender equality for women is a job well done. The problem with the narrative that men are the big losers is that it fuels divisive figures such as Andrew Tate and others who use this narrative to excuse misogyny.

How about stressing instead that both women and men face challenges, and both have areas where one gender is disadvantaged relative to another?